My name is Jess and I suffer from severe foot in mouth disease.

Foot in mouth

Don’t worry, it’s not contagious. A person can continue to live a perfectly healthy life with it, however it will not be a very normal life. I have been living with this disease for going on 25 years now. My friends and family have been the most supportive and amazing people during this time They understand that I can’t necessarily control it and have learnt to deal with and accept my illness. It has not been an easy road. People have been hurt but thankfully, no lives lost.

Let me tell you a little bit about my struggle.

I’m always the girl asking other people (who have put on a bit of weight) if they’re pregnant. The one who says, “Oh what a beautiful boy” to the mother of a little girl. Or even worse, asking who that ugly ginger kid is when the person I’m asking is that mother.

I was born without a filter. This is hugely problematic. For example, when there is a douche in the room. I don’t have the ability to hold in my need to tell said douche, that they are in fact a douche. Regardless of who it is. This was proven at my 22nd birthday when I was in a nightclub (obviously completely dinged up). Unbeknownst to me, the club owner came to chat to me. This is how that convo went.

Owner:  “Do you come here often”

Me:  “Oh honey, you’ll have to do better than that. Does that line actually work?”

Owner: “Well, do you?”

Me: “Hell no. This place is an absolute shit hole! I’m surprised people don’t get herpes from walking on the floor.”

Owner: “Well, I actually own this place.”

(No, this isn’t even the awkward part yet)

Me: “Oh, well that’s unfortunate… What I meant to say was it’s unfortunate that you’re the owner, well just because you probably don’t get too much free time. You know, to socialize with people that aren’t drunk and trashy”foot in mouth 2

I’ll stop there. It actually gets more and more painful the more I try to dig myself out of the shizz.

My point is, I know I’m not the only one. There must be others out there with this same disease.

Why do we do that? 95% of the time, the more we try and fix things, the worse we make it. Yet, we still can’t help ourselves. Don’t get me wrong, it’s funny as hell to watch. When I’m on the other end. I even go so far as to make it as awkward as possible for the other person. I feel like considering I’m usually the one squirming, I’ve earned the privilege, nay, the right to do so.

After 25 years of suffering from this I havecome up with only one method that sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t. When I find myself digging my grave with two shovels, I stop. Take a deep breath and simply say “I’m an asshole and I’m just going to shut the F up.”

Feel free to make me look like less of a doos by sharing your awkward moments with me. Maybe we can even start a club.

Until next time, if you see me hopping around, it’s most probably because I have my other foot in my mouth.

X x x