Aside

All the really hot, nice and smart women… Go to the naughty corner.

In the past year I have come across quite a few women who have inspired me in various ways. Some have made we want to get off my ass and start training again, some have made me want to excel more in my career, some have helped me grow in all aspects of my life and some have shown me exactly what not to do and how not to be! I guess that whole people come into our lives for a reason and season and bla bla bla is pretty true. However, that is not the topic of today’s post. Today I want to share my daily struggle with women.

It says somewhere in the bible that God created all things equal. Without getting into a religious debate (because those are about as useful as a waterproof tampon) I disagree. Not everyone is equal. Well, certainly not in the looks department or the brains department. Actually, not even in the personality department.

I feel very strongly about this. It is only fair that people be allowed to get full marks in one department. Like you must either be retardedly beautiful, insanely clever or have the raddest personality in the universe. You CANNOT have two or even all three. This is completely unacceptable and goes against the natural order of things. Like how am I supposed to hate you for being really hot if you’re also a really nice person? IT’S NOT FAIR!

I am both lucky and unlucky to have some women like this in my life and let me tell you something for free… It’s both the hardest thing and the greatest thing being around them. On one hand they make you want to frolic in a field of flowers in Summer because they are basically pure rays of sunshine. At the same time I want to punch them in their pretty awesome faces because how can you be so insanely beautiful and then also be intelligent?

Don’t even get me started on the people that look like they’ve been photoshopped who also have the biggest hearts and then even bigger brains. I CAN’T EVEN! It’s so much more than a ‘having your cake and eating it too’ scenario. This is basically, someone giving you a lifetime supply of cakes for free to eat without ever getting fat!

Jess Blog

How I basically feel about girls.

I feel like the only way to deal with this is secretly hope that they have like 13 toes or a third nipple or maybe they have like really hairy backs. There has to be some kind of flaw right? At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who battles daily with this so send me your nominations for one of these magical unicorn like humans that are just so amazingly sweet and hot and clever AF so I can Twitter stalk them and compare notes. Maybe I’ll even start giving people awards for awesomeness.

 

Tick Tock

I feel like a lot people who live by the ocean don’t actually deserve to. I have heard so many people say “oh I can’t remember when last I went to the beach” or “Geeee, I haven’t swam in the sea in forever”.

IMG_8514

Bronze Beach, Durban.

 

STOP THAT!

I’ve lived by the sea now for 7 years. I made myself a promise when I left Jozi. I would not be one of those people. I would go to the beach once a week at least. I am happy to say that I stuck to it. Obviously some weeks all I managed was to dig my toes in the sand or (if you’ve ever spent a winter in CT) maybe a toe in the water.

People just amaze me. They have this spectacular thing, right on their doorsteps. It’s literally flashing it’s boobs at them and they just walk on by and don’t even acknowledge it. SIES people.

I know that life is hectic and work comes first and you need to work to earn money to survive and it’s exhausting managing a career and family life and bla bla fish paste but make time people. If you never make time, you will never have time. This doesn’t only apply to going to the beach.

It applies to everything. make time

Make time.

For friends, for family, for exercise. For doing things that YOU want to do, not have to do. This obviously includes wine drinking, chocolate eating and nik nak smashing.

I learnt this early on in life.  And I think it’s one of the most valuable lessons so far. That and always take headache tablet before you go to bed after a jol. You’re no good to anyone if you’re permanently tired or an inch from hanging yourself because you actually can’t even anymore.

Make time to enjoy your life. You’ve worked damn hard to get to where you are but if you never stop and take a minute to love life and appreciate it then what’s actually the point?

People have become so focused on trying to out do their friends and family or neighbours. They have to drive a better car, have a fancier handbag and live in a bigger house. WHY?

If you genuinely want something for no other reason that you yourself simply have to live there or buy that car then yes, work hard and make it happen. But if you only want to live on a golf estate because that’s where all the cool kids live then do me a favour and slap yourself.

There are people that want to be rich. They don’t care how it happens or what they need to do. There are people that are happy to float about and just survive. It doesn’t matter what kind of person you are as long as you’re doing it for you. Screw the Jones’! There’s absolutely no reason to keep up with them. They probably smell funny too.

Put yourself on the time out step! Even if it’s for 30min a week. You might think the world will collapse and your business will crumble or your family kill each other if you’re not there but I can assure you, this big fat sexy world of ours will keep on turning. And your entire life will not disintegrate. You may actually find yourself thinking clearer or having a different perspective on something after you’ve taken a break and had some me time.

You invest in your business, in your family, you insure your cars and phones. Why don’t you invest in yourself a little?

As my most favouritist, little piano playing, Asian looking, voice of an angel on steroids singer John Legend says “Make time to live a little.”
Catch you on the flip side homies

X x x

Here, there and back again

 

IMG_8331

Sea Point Promenade, Cape Town.

 

Sitting on my balcony, bottle of wine in one hand, pack of smokes in the other. Drinking in the absolute epicness that is my favourite city in the world, Cape Town. I’m not even going to get into the bajillion reasons why I am so in love with this place. (That’s for another bottle of wine and blog post)

The point is, I’m in my happy place. For one more night anyway. (And I’m not talking about a strip club) However, I find myself feeling sad, frustrated a little angry and maybe a little tipsy.
It’s the most frustrating feeling in the world. I am contemplating slashing my friends tyres so I’ll miss my flight back to DBN. To my newest home. Even if I just get a few more hours here. On the other hand, I have my bags packed camping out by the front door so I can get on the plane faster and get back “home” to the plumber.

I feel like I’m cheating on him with CT.
Yes, I am well aware of how retarded that sounds but it’s the truth.

In the past 7 years I’ve moved cities 5 times. It goes a little something like this … JHB – CT – JHB – CT – JHB – DURBS. It’s even exhausting typing that out. You’d think after 7 years of saying goodbye to friends and family on a monthly basis, I’d get used to it. Yeah, not so much.

I’m basically like a homeless person but with a car and nice hair.

Also I only smell sometimes, usually of garlic and whiskey. Sexy hey?

Anyways, I’ve come the conclusion that no matter where I am or where I live, something will always be missing. My family and childhood is in JHB. My soul is in CT and my heart lies in Durban with the plumber. So what must happen now?

I know right, move all the JHB and Durban people to CT and I’m A for away. The way I’m feeling right now, I don’t even care if it’s against their will. Simple right? Why has no one else done this before?

Then it hit me. The solution to my problem. Something that means I could have the best of all sides. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. Maybe the wine helped me.

The answer is this….

Stop being a spoiled brat Jessica. Shame, life must be so hard for you. You have loved ones all over the country and you miss them everyday. Do you know how many people would love to have a “problem” like that? Exactly, some people don’t even have one person to love or who can love them.

Im not homeless. I basically have 3 homes. I’m lucky. Lucky to have three places that hold so much joy and happiness for me. Each for a different reason and each for a different season 🙂

So, here’s to the rest of the year with positive outlooks on what could be seen as problems. To looking at the brighter side of life and obviously to drinking more wine while i do that.

Catch you on the flip side
x x x

IMG_8283

Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset

FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE

My name is Jess and I suffer from severe foot in mouth disease.

Foot in mouth

Don’t worry, it’s not contagious. A person can continue to live a perfectly healthy life with it, however it will not be a very normal life. I have been living with this disease for going on 25 years now. My friends and family have been the most supportive and amazing people during this time They understand that I can’t necessarily control it and have learnt to deal with and accept my illness. It has not been an easy road. People have been hurt but thankfully, no lives lost.

Let me tell you a little bit about my struggle.

I’m always the girl asking other people (who have put on a bit of weight) if they’re pregnant. The one who says, “Oh what a beautiful boy” to the mother of a little girl. Or even worse, asking who that ugly ginger kid is when the person I’m asking is that mother.

I was born without a filter. This is hugely problematic. For example, when there is a douche in the room. I don’t have the ability to hold in my need to tell said douche, that they are in fact a douche. Regardless of who it is. This was proven at my 22nd birthday when I was in a nightclub (obviously completely dinged up). Unbeknownst to me, the club owner came to chat to me. This is how that convo went.

Owner:  “Do you come here often”

Me:  “Oh honey, you’ll have to do better than that. Does that line actually work?”

Owner: “Well, do you?”

Me: “Hell no. This place is an absolute shit hole! I’m surprised people don’t get herpes from walking on the floor.”

Owner: “Well, I actually own this place.”

(No, this isn’t even the awkward part yet)

Me: “Oh, well that’s unfortunate… What I meant to say was it’s unfortunate that you’re the owner, well just because you probably don’t get too much free time. You know, to socialize with people that aren’t drunk and trashy”foot in mouth 2

I’ll stop there. It actually gets more and more painful the more I try to dig myself out of the shizz.

My point is, I know I’m not the only one. There must be others out there with this same disease.

Why do we do that? 95% of the time, the more we try and fix things, the worse we make it. Yet, we still can’t help ourselves. Don’t get me wrong, it’s funny as hell to watch. When I’m on the other end. I even go so far as to make it as awkward as possible for the other person. I feel like considering I’m usually the one squirming, I’ve earned the privilege, nay, the right to do so.

After 25 years of suffering from this I havecome up with only one method that sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t. When I find myself digging my grave with two shovels, I stop. Take a deep breath and simply say “I’m an asshole and I’m just going to shut the F up.”

Feel free to make me look like less of a doos by sharing your awkward moments with me. Maybe we can even start a club.

Until next time, if you see me hopping around, it’s most probably because I have my other foot in my mouth.

X x x

You know what grinds my gears?

A couple of days ago, The Plumber and I hit the two-year mark.

For anyone that knows me knows that up until now, my previous relationships have had the shelf life of a bottle of wine (in my case this is a day or two) or a block of cheese. Except nowhere near as satisfying and healthy. (Yes I consider cases of wine and kg’s of cheese healthy. This isn’t a health blog so no judgies)

Anyway, my point is, we’ve been dating for two years. I moved to Durban from Cape Town to be with this man. (I know right?) so realistically the plan isn’t to just be boyfriend and girlfriend forever. Eventually I want to be Mrs Plumber and he wants to be Mr Wine Guzzler. We are by no means close to that point and for now we’re just enjoying spending time together and getting to know each other all over again and bla bla insert romantic crap here.

grinds-my-gears

What absolutely grinds my gears is people. Stupid people, asking the same stupid question… “So, when is the big day?” Why? What is the point of this? I understand if people ask and you’re already engaged.( Although I vote we stab the people who ask a couple that’s been engaged for five minutes that same question… with a fork).

It’s awkward. So if you are one of these people, stop that. Stop that right now!

Maybe they just don’t believe in marriage or maybe they are happy with their lives at this point and don’t want to complicate things. Maybe the girl is waiting for George Clooney to get a divorce so she can marry him or maybe the guy is waiting for a woman with beer flavored nipples and they’re just using each other for the time being. Who actually cares what the reason is? With the exception of good friends, who wont need to ask this question because you have probably already discussed it with them, it’s no one elses business so go away.

So, if there are people out there like me, who literally want to vomit in my hand and clap every time someone asks this, I have compiled a list of perfectly acceptable replies. Feel free to add any of your own that I could add to my list J

  • As soon as my sex change is complete, we’re gonna get hitched.
  • We want to wait until the Dalai Lama is in town so he can perform the ceremony.
  • My cousin’s uncles’ brother’s next door neighbour is allergic to weddings.
  • I have to bath my dad on weekends so there’s no time
  • 32nd of March

Don’t ask me why this bothers me so much, some people get upset when people wear Crocs or black socks with shorts. Oh, wait, that’s me and me again. Maybe there is some subconscious reason strongly tied to a bad experience with an over priced barbie doll and a lucky packet. Bottom line, it is one of the most irksome things I’ve experienced and im sure I’m not alone. If this gets even one person to stop asking other people who, then my job here is done.

Well, that’s my rant for the week over.

Catch you on the flipside

X x x

Sooooo, this is me.

Hi, my name is Jess.

I am completely in love with all tings Spiderman, Anchorman, Britney Spears and Bacon. Yes, I use a capital B in Bacon because it is that important.

The answer to the most important question is… YES! It is always wine o’clock!

Born and bread Jozi girl, followed my heart to CT and now starting my newest adventure in Durban, bru. (I also love carbs)

I have a lot to say about nothing of importance and was born without a filter so it’s usually rude, gross and makes you think “WTAF?” I write like a 5 year old and I’m ok with that.

Catch you on the flipside yo.

x x x